Every week, I received phone calls from police, hospitals, principals, coaches, teachers, and other parents. Every. Single. Week. Sometimes, many calls per week. Something was always wrong in a gigantic way. Parents of struggling kids know this feeling intimately. The exhaustion is surreal.
The importance of chores drops drastically when your phone calls sound like this:
“Hasn’t turned in any work since …”
“They overdosed.”
“Your student was bragging to me about how much weed they smoke …”
“They were having sex in the …”
“I saw a gun in …”
“This is the juvenile detention center and your child …”
“Hello, this is Deputy Dawg and your child ….”
“This is Principal Skinner and your child is being suspended because they …”
Sometimes, you just want to crawl into a hole. However, the family still needs to eat food off clean dishes and wear clean clothes. I remember standing stock-still in the hallway, deciding between dishes and laundry because there was no way I had time for both.
When you have challenges, cooking and shopping can feel overwhelming. We still need to eat, so here are silly cooking secrets from the heart of trauma. Level 1 is edible. Level 2 is for those days when you aren’t having a fiasco. This is meant to be humorous, so please don’t be terrified to share a meal with me! Do feel free to laugh. Remember, if you laugh first, they are laughing with you, not at you.
Guacamole
Because avocados, tomatoes, onions, and cilantro are all veggies.
Level 1 – Cut the avocado in half. Move your other hand out of the way and whack at the seed. No one cares if you miss. You did remember to move your hand first, right? Twist, and the seed will be on the knife. Smack it on the edge of the garbage. Scoop out the avocado. Dump in salsa and salt. Mash vigorously with a fork. See what I did there? You burned off a little frustration, too!
Level 2 – You can add garlic (or powder), fresh cilantro, diced onions, lime, or lemon juice. You don’t have to. I always add lime juice (from a bottle) in hopes the guac won’t brown.
Note: If you are out of tortilla chips, consider potato chips, Fritos, or pita chips. Hamburger buns cut into strips.
Chicken Cordon Bleu
When you have chicken and feel hopeful for something fancy.
Level 1 – Slice the chicken halfway open and stick a slice of baloney – or any lunch meat – in there. Hooray if you had prosciutto! Shove whatever kind of cheese you have in there. For breading, some people do the egg & flour thing. They might even have bread in the house. I sort of patted some water on there and rolled it in Panko (which apparently never goes bad). Bake for 25 minutes (more if the meat is larger) at 400. Carry the timer with you, in case the phone rings . . .
Level 2 – You can pan fry it if you want it crispy. If you have some of those sauce packets for making various sauces, whip up a white one to put on top. Otherwise, an extra bit of cheese on top works.
Paella
This is best with seafood; thankfully, it doesn’t matter what kind, so check the freezer. Starting in the morning gives you all day to toss stuff in.
Level 1 – Get out the crock pot. Put in however many boxes of yellow rice you have, and whatever meat (chicken, ham) and frozen seafood you have. Add other seafood (shrimp, calamari) later. Canned or frozen peas are nice, but I’ve been known to use green beans or even canned white beans. Chicken broth is good, but water and bouillon cubes work, or even canned soup, as long as it has plenty of broth. Attempt to use the amount of liquid that the rice will absorb. Otherwise, you get something dry or soupy. Good news! If it’s drying out, you can add more liquid. More good news: if you forgot something, you can throw it in while racing through the kitchen. Green olives make it feel Spanish.
Level 2 – Pimentos and sweet red peppers are yummy. Tomatoes are nice. Sure, if you sauté onions, peppers, and garlic before you throw them in, that’s awesome. But the homemakers who do that probably aren’t trying to stop drug deals while cooking dinner. This concoction has always turned out tasty, even when I’ve been extra “creative”.
Meatloaf
This does require ground meat. (I’ve used bison – not sure how that got in the freezer.) Beyond that, use crumbled bread. If you’re low on bread, add cookies, oatmeal, cereal, crackers, or tortilla chips. Add leftover vegetables you find in the fridge, plus whatever nuts you have on hand. To make it stick together, use a splash of milk, egg, and/or tomato paste. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, or until the middle doesn’t look like raw meat. Remember to turn the oven off if the police show up.
Level 2 – I like to add carrots, plus parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. At least I can sing the spices (Simon & Garfunkel) to remember what I’m doing. Singing helps everything anyway. If one of your kids mistakenly smoked the spices, add spicy salad dressing.
Shipwreck dinner
One day I found what I thought might be a space gadget made of a soda bottle, PVC & duct tape. When I realized it was a pipe, I lost my concentration, and this happened.
Level 1 – make a package of mac n’ cheese. Brown some meat to toss in. Open cans of other things to throw in: chopped tomatoes (or stewed or Italian), a green veggie. Stir. Add extra grated cheese, or slices – whatever is handy. Tell them the recipe came from a pirate ship. That really upped the enthusiasm factor.
Last homemaking tips for prodigal moms:
Even though the HOA won’t let you build a tower to keep them safe. . . Even though the nine therapists didn’t help. . . Even though grounding them only led to genius ways to deactivate your security system. . . Prayer works! Jesus took time to get away and pray.
Know your priorities: spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Remove unnecessary tasks from your To Do list. Cancel, delegate, and say no. Don’t be ashamed to improvise or cut corners. The corners we don’t cut are loving ourselves and the children God gave us.
Don’t scold yourself. Refuse to live with regrets. Chin up. A shrink can cost $140/hour, so take it easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Rest, refresh, and renew. God rested on the 7th day. Be of good courage!
Matthew 6:25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
John 6:35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”
Dear Lord, thank you for all the fun things in life you give us to laugh at! Help us to not be hard on ourselves and to laugh when we can. Remind us that prayer works, that you love us, and that you listen to our sorrows. Please deliver our children from arrogance and foolishness. Enable my family to set wise priorities and make wise choices. Thank you that you are the God of love and second chances. Guide their paths into righteousness. Please comfort our hearts and grant us guidance in tough circumstances. Thank you for being such an awesome, glorious God! Amen.
