Cristobal’s Story —
During our third 72-hour psych hold, our youngest adopted son, Reginald, said of his bio-mom, “She didn’t love me; I’m unlovable.” My heart stutter-stopped. What a crushing tragedy to feel with certainty that you are unlovable. And thus began our journey to love and parent a suicidal child – a terrifying path to tread.
Although we loved all three of our boys with an intense, never-ending love, they didn’t grasp that we cherished them and loved them as extravagantly as possible. If I’m being completely honest, we spoiled them in a slightly codependent way. Perhaps we gave too much. Our hobbies were taking them places, spending time with them, and attending their activities. There was nothing I pursued more fervently in my life than being the best mother I could be.
My brain spirals into history-rewrites, wishing I had changed schools or said something differently. Had I realized they struggled with feelings of abandonment, could I have done something? I wonder if I should’ve asked more questions or listened more carefully. What if I had found a great adoption counselor? Had I realized it was classic attachment disorder, could I have been a better mom for them?
Feeling Abandoned
An adopted child doesn’t easily grasp that their biological mother worked hard to find a good home for her baby, providing all the things she could not. A foster child can’t understand the deadly grip of addiction. Even losing a parent to divorce or busyness affects children. They often view themselves as abandoned and unwanted.
Like wearing UV glasses that filter out harmful rays, the abandonment filter can strain out unconditional love. Every parental act is skewed through the filtering lens of abandonment. They battle feelings of neglect, even when they are cherished.
Reggie told me I merely took him in as a charity case. He vacillated between feeling neglected and calling me “Helicopter Mom”, telling me to stay in my own lane. Because of his fear of impending abandonment, acts of love were overlooked or misinterpreted. And no amount of self-sacrificial giving or gushing words of encouragement swayed him from his tragic victim narrative.
Fearing abandonment raises sibling rivalry to a whole new level. Reggie’s jealousy of his siblings was so intense that he told us to write them out of our will and suggested we send them to live under a bridge. Seriously? Although he knew we attended all his events, he felt abandoned whenever we attended his siblings’ events.
This Led to the Narrative … (spooky music)
In high school, Reggie posted a pity narrative on social media. His dramatic, fictitious story claimed narcissism, Stockholm Syndrome, and cruelty, painting him as an abandoned, unloved child to be pitied and fawned over—the eternal victim. Friends feasted on his manipulation and lies, welcoming him into their hearts and homes as a poor, wounded soul. Maybe the narrative was invented for attention, or maybe the abandonment filter caused him to see rejection where it didn’t exist. Maybe both.
Eventually, his fear of abandonment surfaced in raw anger toward us and a need for control—to be right, to win, and to have the last word. We just wanted him to know we loved him.
What Can I Do?
At first, I was upset and losing sleep. I just wanted to say something to fix it. But I need to accept that I can’t control his thoughts, words, or beliefs. What I can control is myself—my attitude, values, words, and behavior. I can choose what I do with my life and not waste my time and energy trying to control things I cannot. Losing sleep is really unhelpful.
I choose not to live in the past. I cannot change the past, and reliving it heals nothing. The windshield is much larger than the rearview mirror. I must keep looking forward, toward my goals. Beating myself up only damages my future.
I cannot let someone verbally, emotionally, or physically beat me up. An abuser is not helped when we allow or validate behavior that destroys relationships. By refusing to accept damaging behavior, we provide them an opportunity to change and grow.
Sometimes a child feels there is something inherently wrong with them. Making mistakes is difficult because a child struggling with feeling abandoned already feels so terrible. I need to be gracious. As parents of minors, we need to correct our children in the kindest way possible. When they are adults, they are responsible for their own behavior and choices, and we need to set boundaries in the most loving way possible.
Healthy boundaries are a must. With attachment disorder, boundaries are often interpreted as rejection. I told Reggie, “I need to hang up if you’re yelling at me.” But when I hang up, he is distant for days because he is sure I rejected him. There’s that abandonment filter again. I then reiterate the boundary, and he claims it wasn’t violated. It makes a mom tired.
What can we do to bring healing to our loved ones? Most importantly, since they already feel abandoned, we must not abandon them. Even when they push you away, try to find a way to let them know you love them and are right here waiting for them.
At the same time, remember we are not helping anyone if we allow someone to treat us abusively. That’s the trick, isn’t it? Showing love while keeping healthy boundaries intact.
- Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23, NIV).
- And never let ugly or hateful words come from your mouth, but instead let your words become beautiful gifts that encourage others; do this by speaking words of grace to help them (Ephesians 4:29, TPT).
Lord God, thank you for blessing me with my family. You know I long to have healthy, loving relationships with my children. My heart is crushed when there is separation and hostility. Thank you, God, that you are my protector, my refuge, and my strength. I pray that the Prince of Peace will guard my heart and soul through these rough trials. Please heal their heartbreaking fear of abandonment and any attachment disorder. Please heal my broken heart. Give me the courage to express my love and the wisdom to set good boundaries. Give them the courage to confront the lies and heal. Enable them to see that they are greatly loved. Amen.
