At 4 AM, the sheriff banged on our front door. He told us our 15-year-old son had stolen and wrecked our car. Our sweet, red, C-class Mercedes. Totaled. On a Crown Vic. He totaled it – on a cop car in a high-speed chase. I loved that Mercedes. Obviously, a little too much. Some things are really hard to forgive.
Today, we’re looking at forgiveness. Not because I’m good at it, but because I was genuinely terrible at it. I had to learn a lot of lessons. All of them were worth it because anger and hurt weigh so heavily on your heart.
Forgiveness is very difficult, but living in unforgiveness is worse. Unforgiveness causes stress and keeps us up at night. Stress leads to health issues, anxiety, depression, and addiction. Unforgiveness doesn’t stop the pain; it spreads it. Unforgiveness blocks the flow of love, leaving anger, bitterness, and self-pity. None of these things result in joy or happiness. Unforgiveness keeps your offender locked in your heart and in your head.
One reason forgiveness is so challenging is because there are misconceptions. Here are five false beliefs that many people hold:
Sometimes we think what they did is unforgivable. But nothing is unforgivable. As an example, when Jesus was hanging on the cross, after being whipped, He said, “Father, forgive them.” If God forgave that, we can forgive too. We have not done anything unforgivable, and whatever hurtful, cruel harm has been done to us, we can also forgive.
- We think if we forgive, we have to reconcile. But sometimes, reconciliation is neither wise nor possible. We don’t have to remain friends with someone who is harmful to us. Forgiveness never means placing ourselves in an environment or relationship that is mentally, emotionally, or physically unsafe. It means our hearts are set free. Forgiveness is a gift. Trust is earned. We can forgive without allowing someone back into our lives.
- We might feel it’s a little too soon to forgive. That’s like if we’re out dumpster diving and get sprayed by a skunk and then think, “Oh, it’s too soon to wash it off.” No, it is never too soon to free our hearts from unforgiveness. It’s also not too late, and we don’t need to feel better before we forgive. The best time is now, and the best feeling is after we forgive.
- We may think we need them to apologize before we forgive. Nope. Some people never apologize. They might do something really wrong and then blame you. In fact, most abusers blame the victim. Forgiveness is letting go of the offense, giving it to God. Even if they never apologize and never admit they’re wrong.
- We might believe that if we forgive, we are supposed to forget. Trauma, cruelty, and humiliation may be impossible to forget. God forgives us completely, but he doesn’t forget. He’s God; he is all-knowing. His memory is way better than ours. Forgiveness means you don’t hold the past against someone or bring it up again. Even if we have deep hurts that are impossible to forget, we can still forgive.
Because forgiveness is really hard, let’s all be patient and kind with ourselves. Alexander Pope, an English poet, said in 1711, “To err is human, to forgive divine.”[i] Humans are great at messing up and not so good at forgiving. Even when we don’t mean to, we all do wrong and hurt other people. Our divine God forgives us; he models forgiveness. And through Him we can forgive others.
How in the world do we do this? Here are 5 practical tips to help us forgive:
Admit the feelings of sadness from lost people, possessions, or pride. The stages of grief take time. Be compassionate and patient with yourself. Tell it all to God, a friend, or a counselor. Remember, God is the God of all comfort.
- Let go of any commitment to unforgiveness or revenge. Don’t think, “If she does this, I will never forgive her.” We don’t have to hobnob with toxic people, but if we refuse to forgive, we only hurt ourselves.
- As an exercise, write down the hurts. Pray over it. Boldly write “Forgiven” across it. Tear it up. Burn it up. Throw it away.
- Sometimes we love being right. Maybe the other person loves feeling like they’re right, too. Remember, it’s better to be in a good relationship than to make sure everyone knows we are right.
- We must stop replaying hurtful events and having imaginary conversations in our heads. Reinforcing and reliving the pain only hurts us. We can’t change the past, so we need to stop trying. Practice acceptance.
Even when our prodigal has been a challenge. Even when we feel heartbroken because our fierce love was scorned. Even when wounded by our dysfunctional family or greedy co-workers. Even then, forgiveness will heal and benefit us.
God knew forgiveness was hard. That’s why He sent His Son, Jesus, to walk on the earth for 33 years to model forgiveness and to offer forgiveness for our sins. God is more than able to pour the miracle of forgiveness into our hearts. We can forgive because His forgiveness flows through us to others.
Forgiveness is not easy, but it is possible. Forgiveness brings us better relationships, better health, and better sleep. Joy flourishes. Our hearts and minds are freed for peace and goodness.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13, NIV).
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV).
Lord, thank you that you are the God of love and forgiveness. Grant us the wisdom, courage, and strength to forgive while you hold us close to you and keep us safe. Set our hearts free from past hurts and the prison of unforgiveness. Fill our hearts with your kindness, compassion, and gentleness. Remove any unforgiveness and judgment from our hearts. Enable us to forgive as you forgave us. Fill us with your Spirit, your peace, and your joy. Amen.
[i] Alexander Pope, “An Essay on Criticism,” Poetry Foundation, 1711, part 2, lines 524–525, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/articles/69379/an-essay-on-criticism.
