Locked in her office, Laurette tried desperately to work. Clients were waiting. Yet she stood immobilized by the door; from the other side, Philippe screamed and threatened her. Not knowing how to make him stand down, she felt her terror rise.
Cruel remarks ripped through her as she begged Philippe to let her work. Fifteen minutes into the verbal battery, she replied with a hurtful statement. The door shattered open. His tall, raging, fist-clenched form stepped through the destroyed doorframe.
In terror, she skittered beneath the L-shaped mahogany desk, crunching into the fetal position in the corner. Silently, she slipped her phone from her pocket and texted a friend to call 911.
Police took one look at the door frame and immediately checked her for injuries. “Are you sure you’re not hurt?” His eyes flicked repeatedly to the doorway and back to her with concern.
“I’m not hurt, but can you walk me to my car, please?” Her laptop, purse, and go-bag were already packed for emergency hotel stays.
After the fear ebbed away, shame washed over her. “How did my new normal become keeping a go-bag packed and running away to a hotel? I feel ashamed.”
Reflecting on Philippe, she realized he felt the same. Unloved by his family of origin. Sinking in school. Bullied. Shamed. What a powerful, heart-destructive concoction.
Blame, Shame, and Fear
Maybe you have similar feelings from your childhood, family, or others. Work, neighbors, school, or community can shame you. Blame and shame feel devastating.
People imply we are bad parents. They have no idea that inner wounds lead to suicide attempts. Nor do they feel the secret shame and heartache we hold. We may be fighting for our child’s life. Mental health issues can be a source of shame. A child gets mocked for psych holds.
Fear of failure and fear about the future run rampant when we have prodigals. Fear starts our hearts racing, and stress hormones flood our bodies; rational thought goes out the window. Some people’s stomachs clench, some get headaches, and some can’t breathe. Whatever the case, we need to dissipate the adrenaline.
Our loved ones’ choices and behaviors trigger shame. Fear and shame proliferate in those who have suffered family trauma and abuse, whether it is physical, emotional, or sexual.
When things are badly wrong, it’s easy to fall into negative self-thinking. Not only do we feel we made a mistake, we believe we are a mistake. Shame leads us to believe we are a horrible mother. Just a side note: in my adoption support group, every mother had been told by their adopted kids that they were the worst mother in the world. The competition for that role was stiff!
Although we feel awful, embarrassed, horrified, and defective, we aren’t alone. Our kids may feel this way, too. Their behavior often reflects their inner hurt.
Even though the past has passed, the feelings can creep up and take us by surprise. Let’s explore some ways to heal.
How to Put the Icky Feelings Behind Us
- Get everyone to a safe place. Maybe stay in a hotel for a couple of nights until it’s safe. Some people pay a friend or family member to temporarily host their teen while seeking counseling and working on boundaries.
- We all hold our breath; it’s not helpful. Relax the muscles in your body. Breathe in, drop your shoulders as you exhale. Unclench your jaw on the next exhale. Then your stomach. Continue relaxing through the rest of your tension.
- Admit your feelings to yourself. Journal or talk to a trusted person. Then reason out how likely the fears are. Sometimes we get a little too imaginative. Sometimes we are very realistic; take time to figure it out.
- Exercise: walk, run, get fresh air, dance, jump up and down, play with a stress ball.
- Use your senses: squeeze an ice cube, smell flowers, taste chocolate, play calming music, stand in a breeze, pet or hug a fur baby.
- Meditate on or memorize a scripture.
Scriptures
- I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well (Psalm 139:14, NIV).
- Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7, NIV).
- Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus . . . Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us (Romans 8:1, 33-34, NIV).
Prayer
Our great and mighty God, thank you for being present in these frightening circumstances. I entrust this painful and shameful situation to you. Please grant us safety and wisdom. I pray for your mercy and grace in our lives. Fill us with your perfect love and a strong faith to overcome fear. You have created us all beautifully and wonderfully; help us cling to you when we feel small and frightened. Grant us healthy self-esteem. May we wisely and safely model your unconditional love. To you be all the glory and honor. Amen.
