His death did not come as a surprise. Hanna’s dad was in his 90s and had lived a good, full life. She loved her father deeply. He helped her with homework, visited her in her travels, and walked her down the aisle. An aging parent who encouraged her through tough times finished his battle with pain and deterioration.
Hanna’s brother belittled, disrespected, and scolded her. The emotional abuse wounded her heart. He remained distant and estranged, causing an aching loss.
The next month, her young niece died.
Hanna lost a parent, a brother, and a niece. Grieving so much at the same time feels impossible. Do you ever feel like there is too much to grieve all at once? Then one more thing bombards you.
More Losses
What about how excited you were when your adult child got into a great rehab? And how crushed you felt when they left rehab to live on the streets. The insidious grasp of drugs devastates the addict. Parents reel from the loss of hope and potential they nurtured for years.
How about the loss caused by estrangement? Our modern me-centered culture quickly abandons relationships, leading to estrangement. Some therapists encourage blaming rather than teaching forgiveness, boundaries, and personal responsibility. Estrangement is an epidemic in our time. Losing children and grandchildren is profoundly painful.
Losses and goodbyes are fraught with black holes into sorrow. The losses merge into an abyss that we must not allow ourselves to crawl into.
Grieve the Losses
Healthy grieving has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As nice as it would be to rush through them, that doesn’t work. It would help if grief proceeded in an orderly fashion instead of surprise stages zooming in at random moments. As much as we wish our emotions and brains could zip through grieving quickly, hurrying doesn’t help.
When we are in denial, it feels simpler and safer to tell ourselves it’s just a mistake or misunderstanding. It isn’t really happening. Believing lies keeps us from reality, although it’s a necessary phase that helps us cope in the beginning. Ideally, we face the facts. Be brave. Be bold. We get through the swirling darkness more quickly when we walk towards it.
In our anger, we must be careful not to sin. Anger bares its fangs and fights the sadness and grief that we must eventually face. Blaming is a path to stagnation. It’s natural to be angry at choices that ruin lives. But does it help to let others know how mad we are? Being stuck in anger is a recipe for misery. We must look for the source of the anger and accept the facts. For me, when I feel angry, it usually masks hurt. When I focus on the hurt, feel the pain, and forgive, I move forward.
Bargaining is making a deal with yourself or God. Usually, whatever we promise is for our ultimate good. Demanding God give us something in return usurps His authority.
If we feel like crawling into a hole, never getting out of bed, and eating our way through the day, it helps to do the opposite. Get up, go outside, and exercise. Depression can feel overwhelming. We need to cry and grieve our losses. We don’t need to spiral into depression. Loving care for ourselves helps us find balance.
Acceptance is the ultimate goal. Acceptance comes when we understand and release our expectations. I expected my children to go to college. Not my choice. When I cling to what felt like a brilliant idea to me, it hurts everyone. They are where they are, and the sooner I get there with them, loving them, the sooner I bring unconditional love and light into their lives.
Grieving well is a pathway to joy.
How do we get through this?
- Don’t grieve alone. Talk to a friend who will comfort you and validate your feelings. See a counselor. Join a support group. For deaths, the https://www.griefshare.org/ groups help. It’s tempting to close yourself off, but harmful. Keep in mind that some people are unhelpful in the extreme. Many people have not experienced anything like this. Others love giving advice even when they’re clueless. Be wise about who you bring close to your heart.
- Be kind and gentle with yourself. Don’t rush yourself. Take time to let the tears roll.
- Find a book about your key issue. Topics might be surviving your child going to prison, walking away from toxic people, setting boundaries, families of addicts, or coping with an alphabet soup disorder. Message me if you want book suggestions. https://Prodigalmom.org/contact
- Have fun! Go out with friends. Do things that were enjoyable before your life crashed and burned. Moping around the house can turn sadness into depression. Laugh! Not easy, but it releases endorphins. Watch funny videos or read books that make you laugh. Smiling releases dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin. Smiling lifts your spirits. Hugs are healthy and healing.
- Reach out and comfort others because going outside your problems enriches you. Volunteer! Do something for a neighbor. Take someone a meal.
- Listen to praise and worship music that speaks to your soul. Sing! Being thankful for what you have shifts your perspective. A healthy mindset is borne from keeping your eyes on the good and remembering that God is greater than you and loves you profusely.
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:13-14 NIV).
Dear Lord, strengthen me to live in truth. Grant me the faith to know that the outcome is in your hands. Keep me from sin when I feel angry. Comfort me in my sorrow. Give me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change. Infuse me with the courage and energy to fight my crushing sadness. Lead me to healthy, supportive people where I can safely share my grief. Bless me with the ability to encourage others who are suffering. May my loved ones find their purpose, value, and future in you. Hold my hand as I walk through the losses of this life. Help me find laughter, hugs, and fun. Refresh me with the joy of the Lord. Nourish my soul. Grant me the wisdom to make choices that are healthy and healing while I walk close to you. Amen.
