Irene wronged her thirteen-year-old brother greatly. Everyone could see it. Should he have been screaming at her? Probably not, but I understood his feelings. Then, to my horror, our eighteen-year-old daughter wrapped her hands around his throat to strangle him. More screaming. Hers. Mine. Kyle was choking.
“Stop strangling your brother!” I grabbed her wrists and pulled her off of him.
The instant was filled with terror, but I somehow got them to their rooms. Calm appeared to be restored. I went downstairs to change into jammies. Screaming commenced, followed by a loud smack. I ran upstairs to primal wailing.
My son held his hand in agony.
“What happened?”
“I knew I couldn’t hit a girl, so I hit the wall,” Kyle whispered. I looked over to an exposed stud in the wall and down at an astounding welt on the back of his hand. “I think it’s broken,” he sobbed.
“Let’s get you to emergency”, I said, heading back down the stairs. He toughed up, stopped sobbing, and followed me downstairs, supporting his swollen hand with the other one. She followed us, still screaming at him.
No matter what we said, no matter how we said it, Irene kept yelling and trying to shove him. The welt on his hand was as big as a duck egg. I went to get ice. Dad helped Kyle to the car and Irene crowded past to put her hands on him again.
She later told us to cut him out of the will because “he is no good.” Sure, Kyle was in trouble. He was our prodigal, using drugs, breaking laws, and struggling in school. Depression engulfed him. There were psych holds. Bullies saw him as an easy target. Irene fondly and frequently referred to herself as “the good child.”
In Luke 15, Jesus told the story of two brothers. The younger brother, the one known as “the Prodigal Son”, was the kid who quit working, spent a pile of money, and ended up in a pig pen. The older brother stayed home and worked hard to earn his inheritance and help his father. When his brother returned from the pig pen (drug addiction, crime spree, etc.), his father rejoiced, celebrating the return of his son who was lost. The older brother was full of resentment and unforgiveness. The older brother represents the Pharisees, to whom Jesus was telling the story. The Pharisees repeatedly pointed out that they were the good ones while judging and condemning their brothers.
Since both brothers shamed their father, who needed the heart change here? The son who muffed it all up but returned humble and repentant? Or the son who stewed in anger, superiority, unforgiveness, and bitterness?
For some of us, this sadly describes our children. It might feel like our prodigal is the one in jail or on drugs or whatever other danger they jumped into. But what if we have both a prodigal and a child with a bitter heart?
The gator-infested lake
Imagine you‘re on a lake in a little rubber raft with your wild child. You are surrounded by alligators biting at your dinghy. Water starts seeping in. You smack savagely at the gators with your paddle to keep them from sinking the craft. While madly paddling to shore, swirls and eddies slosh water over the rubber sides. An alligator punctures another hole. Sweating every ounce of strength and energy, you fight to keep your child alive. That’s your prodigal.
In another dinghy, their brother is posting happy, laughing pictures on Instagram and Snapchat. He appears to be joyfully paddling along. Years later, he tells you there was an alligator, and you didn’t help him. You feel confused and helpless. You attended all his games, drove him enough to earn an Uber Pro award, celebrated his successes, and expressed great love. Still, he feels rejected and abandoned.
Sometimes, when we have a troubled, time-consuming child, the siblings, instead of growing in sympathy and compassion, become jealous and bitter.
The older brother may conclude that the parents have limited energy for problems, so he hides his feelings in fear of losing what he does have. He tries to earn his parents’ love, hoping for a bigger slice of attention. Trying to be the good one is brutal when you feel hurt and rejected. It’s a hard life for the sibling of our prodigal.
Eventually, it leads to hostility, damaged relationships, or even estrangement. Then it feels like our heart has been twice-broken and may never be mended again.
Could we have paid more attention and showered more love on the one who didn’t go wild? Perhaps. I believe we always did the best we could in the moment. No matter what the parenting situation, we gave it our all. Did too much energy go to the one in trouble? Possibly. But could we have changed it?
What if you’re in the middle of this?
If you’re still mired in crazy times with a prodigal, it may be time to take a step back and reflect on how the siblings feel. Know there are limits for what you can do for a prodigal who is choosing poorly. Addicts must desire sobriety for themselves.
Actively pursue the siblings who feel abandoned. Capitalize on the opportunity to teach them compassion instead of jealousy. Tell them you are proud of them and thankful for their good choices. Try to shepherd the bitterness out of their hearts.
What if bitterness has already taken root?
Maybe you already have a damaged relationship with the “good one” due to perceived abandonment and rejection. Or you long for healing between the two brothers. Relationship repair is never easy; it might feel like you are shouting into a hurricane. But you won’t know unless you try.
- Know you are not alone. This happens frequently. The narrative about you being a terrible parent is a lie. Invest in those who see you for who you are and value you. Consider joining a support group.
- Apologize for your mistakes. We all muff up. Be prepared for the possibility that they have no intention of forgiving you. Ask for forgiveness anyway. Model humility for your family.
- Recognize that you have no control over your adult children. Allow them to choose. Release them into their lives, their choices, their attitudes, and God.
- Realize that they may be getting mileage from pity. When they tell their narrative, many people will feel sorry for them. Other friends and family will give and do more. That’s addictive.
- What if they are toxic? If someone is gaslighting, making false accusations, and crushing another’s’ spirit, maybe they aren’t good to be around right now. Healthy boundaries are wise. Invest in yourself and healthy relationships.
- Don’t give up on your family. Pray for wisdom about how often to remind them that you cherish, value, and respect them. Keep sending gifts to the grandchildren, even if nobody thanks you. We all want to be loved back, but if not, still be true to yourself and the love in your heart.
“Live in harmony with one another. . . If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:16a,18 NIV).
Dear Lord, you know how crushed I am, knowing my child harbors anger and bitterness. I’m so sad his heart is wounded. Please take his heart of stone, and give him a heart of flesh. Lord, fill us all with sympathy and forgiveness. May we never judge or condemn others. Remove all attitudes of superiority. Keep us from slander and bitterness. Comfort us in our sorrow with your tender presence. You are a God of might and miracles. In your great power, please heal our brokenness and restore our souls.
How greatly I long for our family to have beautiful relationships full of love and patience. May we one day find peace and total forgiveness. In your timing, we ask you to lead us into godly, healthy reconciliation. While we wait, Lord, please hold us in your arms. Grant us your wisdom, your guidance and kind words. We wait upon you, Lord. Please renew our strength. Keep our hearts humble and fixed on your glory.
In hope and prayer, Amen
