My teenage daughter, Katrina, eyes flashing like cobalt fire, screamed up the stairwell, “I hate you. You are the worst mother in the world.” A cacophony of ear-splitting rage. Maybe you have someone in your life who likes to tell you quite loudly how little they think of you.
Katrina reminded me of everything I‘d ever done wrong. My cooking was wildly inappropriate for children. Clearly, I wronged her by not allowing her to stay out all hours of the night. Worst of all, she could not get her driver’s license until she was passing all her classes. Bad mommy.
Do you have someone in your life who loves to make themselves look and feel better by shoving you down a few levels? Maybe someone at work? A family member? Or even a snooty Christian who is more subtle but equally pointed. Others may blame you for your prodigal’s choices. A scorching shot to a heart already searing with pain.
How is our self-esteem?
Do we sometimes feel crushed and wounded? Perhaps our self-esteem stems from who others say we are. When something is said often enough, we tend to believe it. Screamed words are the hardest not to hear. Traumatic events become imprinted on our brains.
Self-perspective may stem from our youth. Scary old tapes from long passed events flash across our brains in living color. A scent, a word, or an event triggers ancient history and replays it in our minds.
Don’t be the one beating yourself up with guilt, believing your child’s choices are your fault. The shoulda, coulda, woulda road passes through miles of soul-sucking misery.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Confidence in who we are nullifies peer pressure. But staying strong is excruciatingly hard. Healthy self-esteem is crucial. We want to live in such a way that if someone tries to make us feel inferior, they fail. With that goal in mind, let’s consider how we can heal, grow, and be our best selves.
Why are they attacking us?
Sometimes others are trying to make their lives better. They kick the person on the ladder above them to get ahead. Cruel comparisons yield an arrogant victor and an aching loser.
Some folks love having opinions, so they feel smart. They never lived our pain. We need to be very careful who we listen to.
Wounded people wound others. The content of Katrina’s yelling and slander speaks more about her than it does about me. I didn’t feel the babysitter abuse, the abyss of her missing parent, or her heart when she was bullied. If words are too horrid to speak, silence slams into us. Mistreatment of others showcases a wounded, faltering self-esteem in the abuser. To alleviate her pain, she deflects the negativity onto me. Her opinion may be more about hating herself than me, even though some very loud “you” statements were made.
Are we taking it too personally?
Depersonalize their comments. Wounding words reflect their feelings, not the truth of our identity. In Christ, we are chosen, beloved, valuable, and cherished. If someone is unkind, detach from their rudeness.
Sympathy and understanding level out the pain. Suppose we have a teen who is adjusting to a blossoming mood disorder and other alphabet soup diagnoses. Throw in teenage hormones. When we stand close beside that swirling, escalating turbulence, it’s a long and loving quest.
Are we facing the truth?
Could there be a nugget of truth in what is being thrown at us? Perhaps we did lose our temper or weren’t as kind as we wished. A partial truth stings if we blame ourselves for the whole mess. Even Satan puts a kernel of truth in his pile of lies. We need to stop listening to the wrong voices. Listening to healthy, supportive people and the God who loves us yields health and happiness.
Being truthful with ourselves is crucial. If there is a dab of truth in the accusations, by all means, we can apply that to our character and move forward as a better person. Be strong and courageous. Desire growth at every opportunity. We are either growing or falling back. Not growing means stagnation and deterioration.
Once we admit our part, apologize, and make changes, we are free to advance with a clear conscience. Perhaps none of this is our doing. We must free ourselves from guilt. Relationships are tough enough without shame and blame looming overhead.
Whose opinion matters anyway?
Other people’s opinion of us is not empowered. Only God’s opinion has power in our lives. Look at other people for who they are and manage expectations. Our creator has chosen us each as His child and friend. He has forgiven us and made us whole. He has welcomed us as citizens of heaven, a royal priesthood. We are seated with Christ in the heavenly realm and can approach Him with freedom and confidence. Nobody else’s opinion matters. He who created us knows us best. He knows all the good and all the oops. And loves us astoundingly.
We can’t let their hurts define us. Let’s be honest about our pain and ask God for healing. Then, remind ourselves of the skills, gifts, and talents God has blessed us with. We are pretty amazing! He must really believe we are fabulous and strong to trust us with these difficult situations, believing in us to bring good into the darkness.
“Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one” (Romans 8:33 NIV). Although Katrina may try to charge and condemn me, nobody can bring a charge against God’s beloved. No one can condemn me. Arraignment, judgment, and condemnation are not her job. That’s God’s job. Our job is forgiveness. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV).
Do we have healthy boundaries?
Boundaries, although never easy, are always wise. We can set boundaries to protect our sanity, allowing us to do good for others. If an adult child is acting in a toxic way, we can, and perhaps should, limit our contact. If someone is judging or condemning us, we can limit their access to us. We are to minimize our contact with evil. All boundaries must have consequences; otherwise, it’s just a wish list.
If someone is hurting us, pounding on our self-worth, remember, “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31 NIV).
There we go. No matter what Katrina screams about me, God is indeed for me. Cheering me from the sidelines, He is my coach and pep squad. It matters not who is bashing me because although they can try to be against me, God is more magnificent. And He is for me. God wins. Every. Single. Time.
Prayer:
Heavenly Father, you know how wobbly my heart feels. I’ve started to wonder if all the accusations and cruel statements are true. Open my eyes to truth. You created me, and you cherish me. Help me hold onto that. Thank you that you call me your child, your friend, and a citizen of heaven. Remind me that you set me free from fear and condemnation. Fill me with your grace and mercy. Thank you for your overwhelming love. Give me the wisdom and courage to set healthy boundaries. Make me strong, peaceful, and joyful in you. I pray this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen.
