Our adopted son, Colin, refused to clean his room for a decade. After he moved out, I entered what looked like a frat house after a weekend of bacchanalian revelry. Tucked in among the detritus, I found a heartbreaking letter.
The letter began, “I was adopted as a baby because my mother was very young, could not take care of me, and my father refused.” I knew this to be untrue. His biological father, who was the same age as the bio-mom, definitely wanted to parent him. He wanted custody, but just couldn’t manage it.
He continued, “Growing up, I pushed aside all the feelings of neglect I felt. I masked my emotions daily and refused to let my feelings show in fear of neglect from my parents, who adopted me.” Wow. I was shocked. And crushed. Did he really think we would neglect him? Here we were deeply bonded to him with an unbreakable love and he was faking it. He was incapable of believing that we deeply loved him as our own. While we had a bond of love, he apparently lived in internal agony.
Unfortunately, Colin had the classic symptoms of Radical Attachment Disorder. In utero, the baby learns the mother’s voice, heartbeat, language, gait, and olfactory signature. It is common for a baby adopted at birth to feel confused and disoriented, to be traumatized by the loss of the birthmother. Brain development begins at conception. In a stressful pregnancy, the biological mother may struggle with depression and anxiety. The surplus of stress hormones rewires the brain. The trauma of the anticipated relinquishment of the child can be imprinted in the fetus as changes in the child’s brain chemistry.
Adoption, even at birth, is a trauma. No matter how great the adoptive parents might be, adoption can feel like a loss. The baby has lost the familiar. Knowing the biological parents chose not to parent him may create feelings of rejection, shame, and loss. The diagnosis of attachment disorder has numerous websites and books for research. If you’ve adopted, you may find yourself doing this dance.
Colin’s letter continued, “When I was twelve, I became emotionally unstable.” In seventh and eighth grade, he had friends, joined clubs, and appeared to be having normal middle school fun. I was stunned he felt unstable. It didn’t even feel true. I thought I was attentive. We attended all the sports and music events he participated in. I worked extra hours to pay for the fun activities. How did I miss him being this wounded?
“I felt like nobody loved me as if I were their own,” Colin said. Further comments described his gut-wrenching longing for his birth family. We loved him deeply as our own son. Our love was demonstrated by selfless giving of time, hugs, listening, words of encouragement, and gifts.
On a couple of occasions, Colin had told me we only thought of him as a charity case. In reality, we only thought of him as our son. I sat and spoke to him of our deep love for him and our joy at being his parents. For years, I whispered words of encouragement by his bed at night. Apparently, it all bounced right off his shields of defense. So deeply embedded was his attachment disorder (relinquishment trauma or whatever you name it), he couldn’t see the truth. We love him unconditionally, deeply, completely. We still do. We always will.
I had never realized the extent of his adoption pain. He masked it, buried it beneath his friendliness. We discovered much later that Colin had been cutting and struggling with out-of-control behaviors. Those signs were hidden from us while he projected a picture of the perfect child. When your adolescent is triply challenged with mood disorder, giftedness, and adoption pain, knowing how to help is tricky indeed. He even stated why he hid it all from us – so we wouldn’t abandon him. Such profound wounds.
We found counseling for Colin when he asked, but it didn’t seem to help. It’s tricky to find a counselor who is adoption competent. Many counselors working with adoptees don’t fully understand their issues. A therapist unfamiliar with the complexities of adoption can do more harm than good.
At one point, Colin claimed Stockholm syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is a phenomenon where a hostage develops a psychological bond with their captors or abusers. Really? Did he think all these years that we kidnapped him from his birth family and held him captive? I felt so desperately sad for him.
Once college and a wedding gift were paid for, he abandoned us. I’ll skip the details of the verbal abuse, untruths, and slander. We still miss Colin and love him. And now I ask, how can I have a good relationship with someone who paints us as loveless kidnappers and abusers?
First, I can’t obsess and bury myself. Well, I could. Okay, maybe I even did that for a bit. But becoming depressed and grumpy did not and never will benefit anyone. I need to practice excellent self-care. For me, I need exercise, hugs, laughter, friends, learning activities, and the knowledge that I am loved and cherished by the God of the universe.
Second, I need boundaries because becoming the whipping boy for all his pain is super unhealthy for me. Also, he cannot heal when he is not grounded in reality. It is Colin’s pain. I should not take it on. You cannot bleed for the patient. I cannot, should not, and will not be abused (anymore).
Third, I can still show love in ways that are true and meaningful. That may look different for everyone. I can send a card and a gift. Even when he doesn’t acknowledge gifts from me. I can call even if he doesn’t answer, just to say, “I love you and I’m thinking of you.” I can pray for him to heal from this brokenness. I am still available as the mother who has loved him all these years and still loves him. I can speak truth with acts and words of love. Jesus never gave up on me, even when I ran the other way. And I won’t give up on my child either.
Prayer (fill in your child’s name): Lord, my heart is broken for ______. Forgive me for missing the signs of his woundedness. I am crushed that he was suffering, fearing abandonment, while we were loving him every way we knew how. Please open his eyes and reveal to him the depth of our love. Wrap your arms around ______ and comfort him. Please remove his adoption pain and heal him of any attachment disorder. Break down and destroy the lies that he believes. Please help him forgive others for his adoption pain and let it go. Enable him to release his fear of rejection. May he see the truth of how deeply, unconditionally, and completely we have always loved him.
Please bless us, in your timing, with a beautiful relationship, full of humility, kindness, and patience. Grant us a peaceful love. Fill us with generous encouragement. Help us forgive all past wounds, remembering your great forgiveness. With all forgiven, bless us with the ability to keep all offenses in the past. Grant us the strength to believe in one another.
Show _____ that you love him even more than we do. Fill him with your perfect love that casts out fear. Reveal to him how greatly he is loved by you and by us. Amen.
