I didn’t realize I was having nightmares. I thought I was trying to figure out how to help our son, Rodrick. Longing for good in his life, I kept reframing imaginary conversations. In my dreams, I heard him blame-shifting, escalating, and falling. Pain and loss swirled into my soul. My heart pounded with panic and ached with woundedness. Confusion and fear raced through ideas, trying to find a way to make it stop. Tears soaked my pillow. I couldn’t fix it, no matter what I did or said. Hurt and panic scrambled over me like poison oak.
Then I woke up. A deluge of dejection nearly drowned me. Thoughts swirled like a tornado, searching for a way to reclaim his lost ground. Drugs. Depression. Suicide attempts. Psych holds. Broken relationships. There was no answer. My unstoppable, forever love languished alone.
My day drifted into a slow, dreary sadness, my attention ever regressing to the unsolvable. A destitute black hole yawned where I once had a son. As in my nightmares, I fought, but remained stuck in sludge, unable to move. I admit it was a nightmare. Frightened with no escape, I felt crushed. And my scream was always silent. I was a prisoner to last night’s leftover feelings.
Is it a nightmare?
Maybe you aren’t sleeping well and wonder if it’s worry or actual nightmares. Nightmares are known for more intense feelings, their tentacles refusing to release you during the day. The mood hovers relentlessly, digging into your disposition and whispering into your thoughts.
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) develops from combat, crashes, disasters, deaths, victimization, and other trauma. If you have seen your child attempt suicide, you will have nightmares. Losing a child to drugs is repeatedly traumatic. If family members were abused, cars were totaled, sheriffs banged on your door in the wee hours, or your home was destroyed, your trauma may have led to PTSD. Bad dreams and sleepless nights follow. Avoidance, detachment, and lack of concentration accompany negative thoughts, desperate feelings, tension, and unhappiness.
Is this you?
A troubling theme in your life must manifest itself. It’s tempting to stuff the pain and don an espionage disguise of happiness. You appear calm and content on the surface, a model for tranquility. Then one day, a small trigger disturbs the glimmering sheen of serenity, and a volcanic mountain arises from the depths. A terrifying spew of ancient, ashy agony and ruinous lava language is hurtled across your landscape.
The aching, crushing loss and fear cannot be ignored. You can try. Believe me, I did. Then suddenly, you see the exact GoPro you bought him in high school. You drive by a jail or that useless, expensive rehab and wonder. A baseball game comes on and you remember his coach telling you he had promise. Then you burst into tears, hopefully not in the grocery store. Sometimes you feel so heavy you wonder if you can take the next step.
What can we do?
- Admit and accept where we are.
It works best for me if I notice my feelings sneaking up on me before they overtake me and lay me flat. Am I this clever? Not nearly as much as I wish. Still, we can work towards being proactive. We must be honest about our feelings and meet this head-on before it has a chance to pull off a stealth sting.
Admitting our loss of dreams for our family, our relationships, and our children’s futures allows us to settle into the loss. Leaning our hearts into the pain is a healthy step towards grieving. The stages of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) must be traversed for the pain to become bearable.
When we close our eyes, relax our neck and shoulders, and admit what we hoped to have, we can face the truth. This was not ours to control. Our child’s relationship with God and breezy acquaintance with morals is not our choice. Our dreams of college, career, and companions were never our choice. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that it’s beyond our control. Release the delusion of control for an infusion of acceptance.
For me, writing the nightmares and fears in a journal (at 2 AM when I’m not asleep anyway) helps release the feelings so they can be analyzed more wisely by the light of day. Writing out the words and admitting the issues can be a great release. I don’t have the power to change him in real life. But I can change my reaction.
2. Get help and support.
If you are having nightmares, something isn’t right. You can see a counselor just for you. If you have PTSD, I found Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) using EMDR was extremely healing. ART is evidence-based, which means it’s been proven to work. It is a unique psychotherapy where the therapist guides the client to replace negative images with positive images. This removes the triggers, and sometimes, in one session, the PTSD is gone.
- Practice thankfulness.
A spirit of thankfulness shifts our attitudes from grumbling to gratitude, from devastation to delight. Here are some things I’m thankful for: I have a close confidant. My home is peaceful and quiet with no yelling. What a fabulous improvement over the teenage years when I cried regularly in my closet. I have food to eat and friends who think I’m fun. My wonderful church accepts and appreciates me. I have a Bible to read and a God who loves me. I live in safety. I have much to be thankful for. If you don’t have these things, set some goals to get what you need.
- Be good to yourself.
I always say this because we forget it when we are traumatized. Reduce stress. Get exercise. Accomplish a task that has been hanging over you. Have a conversation with someone who is a blessing to you. Heal by taking a walk in the sunshine, playing music, reading, doing puzzles, or getting a massage. Hugs reduce stress. Laughter is wonderful for relieving tension. When our lives were filled with way too many police and problems, I borrowed comedy videos from the library.
- Be hopeful but realistic.
God is the God of miracles. Live in reality, yet with hope. Look for the silver lining and remind yourself of your wisdom. You can’t have a relationship with an addict; you can only have a relationship with their addiction. We can offer help and provide resources, but we can’t really fix another person. While we wish with all our hearts to control the outcome, we just can’t.
Situations are not what I wish, but I can be safe, wise, and set boundaries with consequences to enforce them. In a broken relationship, you may be crushingly sad, yet your boundaries prevent manipulation.
The conversations that I dreamed last night were not real. I don’t need to respond as I have in the past. I can find a way to avoid the traps I’ve too often been enticed into.
“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety” Psalm 4:8 (BSB).
Lord, sometimes it hurts so much when my brain turns events into grueling nightmares. I am not my best self when I don’t get sleep. Grant me wisdom and kindness as I interact with others. Help me deal with the pain in a healthy way and grant me your rest, peace, and sleep.
Please heal my broken heart. Be with me as I grieve my losses. Wrap me in your arms and comfort me in my sorrow. Remind me that you are truly good and that you cherish me and my loved ones. Give me the courage to make positive changes. Show me the best ways to reduce stress. Help me accept that I control very little indeed.
Build a wall of protection around my child and keep him safe in your tender care. Soften his heart towards you that he may know your profound love. I pray you will lead him to you. Mature him and guide him to wise choices. Heal his brokenness. Counsel him in truth and wisdom. Bless him with a beautiful and bright future. Amen.
